*Teary eyed*

The first thing on my mind, again as usual, was to rid of stuff and make space. Waking up at 5am gave me plenty of time to tidy up, water the plants outside, and cook breakfast.

Hubby woke up a bit grouchy, and told me to rid of Isaac’s empty formula cans (which plenty are piling up), it’s true. But I blew up and yelled back at him. I have plans for those cans. It’s my only project that I want to do to remember Savana. I yelled at hubby about all his stuff. His fishing poles, his tools. I told him everything in this house that’s taking up all the space are his stuff! More than 80% of what’s in this house are his stuff!

I cried and cleaned for so long that I got tired and took a lunch break. Isaac drank his milk and fell asleep. Hubby then came out of the room, all clothed and looked at me. He said that he wanted to go visit Savana. Looking sad and down, I realized he must be having as much on his mind as that I have on my own mind.

I finished my lunch sandwich and chips, got dressed and also got Isaac ready to go.

At Savana’s grave, I said a prayer as Isaac poured water and Darren got teary eyed. We bought a bouquet of flowers that smelled really nice. Put them inside the empty formula cans, filled them with water and placed them down for my baby girl. We also brought a few stuffed animals for her. Hello kitty space girl, a tiny blue hello kitty keychain, a minion, and another plain hello kitty doll. I wanted to write Savana’s name on all of them so that no one would dare take them. And as I did that, Darren and Isaac took a stroll at the bottom of the hill to see what was there. Perhaps, to clear his mind, the walk would help him if even just for a little bit.

When they returned, I was pouring water on Landon’s grave and said a little prayer for him as well.

The more days that pass by, it may seem that I’m getting better and even decided to return to work at one point. But honestly, it still hurts. Emotionally, more than physically. It will always hurt. Even as I cry and pray for everything to be ok, it will, but slowly, as so everyone says. As I also want to believe it will be.

I love you times infinity Savana! 💜🦋💞

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*Everyday I Love You*

“Collect moments, not things. Earn respect, not money. Enjoy love, not luxuries.”

Still in my “tagalog movie mode”, I have watched “Everyday I Love You” with Liza Soberano and Enrique Gil again. This movie also has featured Gerald Anderson as the boyfriend in a coma. As I watched the movie, the quote above was on the wall of the hospital room of Tristan in the beginning of the movie.  It immediately hit an emotion in me in which I can relate to the plot of the movie.

Having a first love is something and comparing that first love to a different current love is wrong. I relate to it because I was that different current love. The guy I was with felt like he compared me often to his ex-girlfriend. In fact, I was crazy to stay with him for so long. At that time, I felt as if I was obligated to stay in the relationship because we knew each other for awhile. And with that, as I watched Audrey (Liza Soberano) do everything to stay with Tristan(Herald Anderson), she drifted away from her real self. And while meeting Ethan (Enrique Gil) was a coincidental accident, Audrey didn’t realize her true feelings until each moment spent with Ethan to help Tristan was getting closer to having her true self back and also having her dreams come true.

Again, Liza and Enrique play adorable characters. I say adorable because the connection/friendship that they have still shows in this movie. I was a bit disappointed when Ethan and Audrey say ‘I love you’ to each other after only knowing each other for a short period of time. However, as a hopeless romantic, it was sweet yet very expected that they were going to end up together. I can’t say anything negative as I very well enjoy happy endings. Well, watching this movie has made me curious about what other movies in which Enrique and Liza have been in together.

Alas, while researching the love duo, I found out they have a tv series titled, “Forevermore”. I got giddy about seeing this love duo again. It’s not just an hour or two, but a whole series of them. So, I was happy to find the whole series on eBay for a reasonable price. Not only did I do research on “LizQuen”, but Gerald Anderson and other Filipino actors/actresses. Gerald has a love duo with Kim Chui, therefore making them “KimErald” and Daniel Padilla with Kathryn Bernardo known as love duo “KathNiel”. Also, Richard Gutierrez and Marian Rivera have done some movies together, but they aren’t a couple offscreen. Richard is actually with his co-star Sarah Lahbati in their movie, “Seduction”, which I look forward to seeing. Oh, I can’t forget James Reid and Nadine Lustre, which I just bought their movie, “Diary ng Panget”. They are known as love duo “JaDine”, which is a really cute name. They have songs that they’ve sung together and have worked with movies together. Wow. I feel like I have some catching up to do with my culture. 😊

Although I’m fluent in Ilocano, understanding Tagalog is ok but it’s still different from actually speaking Tagalog. It’s got me thinking.. why is it that after how many years I didn’t learn how to speak Tagalog fluently? Shucks. I now find myself day dreaming that I could’ve gone to Philippines to study tagalog, and not only learn the language but to live it and truly support my culture. It’s difficult when you can’t speak and practice it on a daily basis. Oops, that sounds like an excuse, so I’m putting a stop right now. Because “Everyday I Love You” has taught me that every day can actually be a “something” day, it’s like every day is an “I miss you” day when I’m distant from all my loved ones. Every day should be an “inspiration day” to be inspired and to inspire as well. Thank you, maraming maraming maraming salamat, Everyday I Love You! Because every day I do love you 💜

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*Just The Way You Are*

I just watched a filipino movie entitled, “Just The Way You Are” with Enrique Gil and Liza Soberano. It’s like I fell in love all over again. I haven’t watched a filipino movie in awhile and now that I have, I’m in a tagalog film mode and have fallen in love with my culture all over again.

Falling in love with the characters, Drake and Sophia have shown in the movie that they have a great connection. And just for that, it has made a memorable movie. It has given me a kind of feeling that balances my thinking, or rather, dreaming of how my daughter would be like.

Going off subject of my review, since losing my baby girl, Savana, I have drowned myself in many hopeless times wondering… just wondering… if she has brown eyes, dreamy and beautiful eyes. Would she have long, wavy hair or have it straight and bold? And what about her laugh? Will I be able to hear it once we unite again? In such wonderment, I kind of torture myself thinking of her because I end up crying so much afterwards. That is why I busy myself with what I now call, “my filipino tagalog movie mode.” 😬

Drifting back in to writing my review of this movie, there are different pretty actresses in it and wonder again if that’s how my Savana would look like all grown up. Ok. Shaking off, this movie is wonderfully written and holds great inspiration as well. It has intrigue, anger, sadness and happiness in the end, which I love. An ending with a beautiful song that I now sing to my husband and son. Because “with you in my life” that is exactly how I feel towards anyone I love in my life. I am thankful that I have watched this film and made it indefinitely and unforgettably a part of my life.

I’ve followed and liked actor Enrique Gil and actress Liza Soberano on facebook to support them in their promising film career future. And who knows what else has in stored for both their successes.

Liza is really pretty and humbly spoken on the screen, which I admire very much. Enrique has that warming charm that grows on screen and enhances the story enabling the plot with a lasting smile that has settled inside my heart. They are both beautiful inside and out. And although I may be a late fan of theirs, I want to point out to them that I look forward to more movies of them together.

I also want to thank the writers of the movie and the participating actors and actresses that has made an unforgettable, memorable movie for me and hopefully more fans throughout the world. Because “Just The Way You Are” has balanced my heart, I have found different ways that has me dreaming of wonderful things again: love, laughter and hope. Salamat and thank you! 💞

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*…space*

Today was a good day. Donated all the bags that I cleaned from the house. Then Isaac and I went to grandmas house to pick her up and go to the bank and then grabbed something to eat at Burger King.

At grandmas house Isaac played a little bit, and he got tired and wanted to go to the park. We walked to the park and there was a lot of homeless people with their tents, talking to themselves. Isaac saw the playground and ran to the slides. I caught up with him only to find out that the slide was very hot. It didn’t matter to Isaac, he climbed up the slide and slid right back down.

After an hour or so, we walked back to grandmas house, grandma, Isaac and I. At grandmas house, she gave us the samurai ice cream that was so refreshing. Then Isaac and I drove home. While driving home, on the freeway I remembered that I had to go to the bank to deposit the money Brent had given me for the utility bills. So we went to the bank and then we went home.

We got home it was almost 4 o’clock, Isaac wanted grandmas juk. So I heated that up for him and ate it for dinner. I started to continue cleaning the kitchen, when I moved the microwave, I just stared into space not knowing if I’ll ever finish cleaning this damn kitchen. And I guess that’s why I am writing this, not knowing if I’ll ever finish cleaning anything in this house.

🙈🙉🙊🤷‍♀️🙇‍♀️🤦‍♀️ … and that is how I feel!

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*How..*

How do I say all that I wanna say? How do I do all that I wanna do? All there is, is time. All I need is time. How do I stop time so that I don’t waste time on all that needs to be done?

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*On idle*

My day started with Isaac being super wet Hubby came home and adjusted idle level on the car. Then picked up mama and papa for their dr appointment for their heart check-up at Queens II. Took Isaac with me but stayed in the car waiting for grandma and grandpa to finish doctor’s appointment.  I was getting hungry and so was Isaac, so I drove to the nearest food place, which was Burger King, and ordered a kid’s meal for Isaac and whopper Jr for me.

We drove back to Queens and luckily still had that parking we had earlier.  We ate and Isaac fell asleep.  Then grandma and grandpa came out of the building and we drove home.  After dropping them off, Isaac and I went home.  My mind, somehow I was on idle, drifting in and out.  Hopefully tomorrow and the days ahead will be better. :/

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*from my dear friend: MaryAnn*

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