The first thing on my mind, again as usual, was to rid of stuff and make space. Waking up at 5am gave me plenty of time to tidy up, water the plants outside, and cook breakfast.
Hubby woke up a bit grouchy, and told me to rid of Isaac’s empty formula cans (which plenty are piling up), it’s true. But I blew up and yelled back at him. I have plans for those cans. It’s my only project that I want to do to remember Savana. I yelled at hubby about all his stuff. His fishing poles, his tools. I told him everything in this house that’s taking up all the space are his stuff! More than 80% of what’s in this house are his stuff!
I cried and cleaned for so long that I got tired and took a lunch break. Isaac drank his milk and fell asleep. Hubby then came out of the room, all clothed and looked at me. He said that he wanted to go visit Savana. Looking sad and down, I realized he must be having as much on his mind as that I have on my own mind.
I finished my lunch sandwich and chips, got dressed and also got Isaac ready to go.
At Savana’s grave, I said a prayer as Isaac poured water and Darren got teary eyed. We bought a bouquet of flowers that smelled really nice. Put them inside the empty formula cans, filled them with water and placed them down for my baby girl. We also brought a few stuffed animals for her. Hello kitty space girl, a tiny blue hello kitty keychain, a minion, and another plain hello kitty doll. I wanted to write Savana’s name on all of them so that no one would dare take them. And as I did that, Darren and Isaac took a stroll at the bottom of the hill to see what was there. Perhaps, to clear his mind, the walk would help him if even just for a little bit.
When they returned, I was pouring water on Landon’s grave and said a little prayer for him as well.
The more days that pass by, it may seem that I’m getting better and even decided to return to work at one point. But honestly, it still hurts. Emotionally, more than physically. It will always hurt. Even as I cry and pray for everything to be ok, it will, but slowly, as so everyone says. As I also want to believe it will be.
I love you times infinity Savana! 💜🦋💞